On so many levels.
First off, who wants to deal with their ex on a weekly basis after an ugly breakup? Who wants to still talk about wellness visits, who last had the immunization records? Or school forms that somehow never get signed on time with their ex/baby daddy??
Previous to having kids, I don’t think I quite understood how much these warm bundles of our own flesh and blood would put us in a no-win situation together most of the time. Then like magic, walah! A baby gets made. And you find out it’s a girl but you thought you’d be better suited for a boy. Then quickly catch on to how unfair life can be.
It’s the little things you saw in him in him from the very beginning that lead you to believe that you two would love each other forever. The little things were the ones that extended something special to you : how he’d cut out and put in a Ziploc every box-top from every cereal box and chip bag in hopes to (someday) donate them to a school. How he’d pack lunches for the homeless and hand them out randomly on street corners. How he would go shopping in the World Vision catalog and buy chickens and goats for families in India, how humble he was about his generosity. There are so many things to love about him- it’s such a pity to me that sometimes the tongue can be so powerful. It can bellow like the force of lava, scolding and turning to ash everything it touches.
We do still depend on him to help support our lives. It’s not like this guy is a bad man, or that he doesn’t love his kids. After all, I think that I fell in love with seeing how great of a dad he was to a little girl that he found out later in life wasn’t actually his. So to set the record straight, he is an amazing father- while we may not always (or ever) get along, his way with his little girls still makes me swoon. On the rare times when I am around him and we are IN FACT getting along, I wish it could last and that we could raise our girls together. I wish that I didn’t have to feel guilty over our separation all the freaking time. I wish that it ended honest and true.
But guys, we can’t get along for fifteen minutes at a time and I’m in tears.
Though I’ve never been one to give up easily, fully letting go is the hardest part. Realizing that you aren’t meant for each other, and sticking to your gut is hard work no matter how “over” this person you are.
Side note: I want to add that we are both Virgos. And even if you are a personality skeptic like me, it still seems to be spot freaking on. Who would want to deal with a person whose weakness keywords are fussy, inflexible and cold? It m-a-y have something to do with, still a skeptic- but just sayin.’
Now that we are going to have to deal with each other for probably the rest of our lives (my own dad likes to point out to me), I don’t know. You hope it gets easier but know that this is just the beginning. You know that some day he will move on and into another relationship and there will be another woman in the picture- another woman around your children.
We have to remember that we are allies not enemies. As hard as it is to get along, it is like Jane Blaustone said, “the best security blanket a child can have is parents who respect each other.”
Wish me luck, send some prayers. It’s not easy but it is forever.