I am in the strangest season of life.
I say this because every new day has me perplexed, wondering what the hell is going on and if it’s going to be like this forever. A soon to be 2 year old, a soon to be 4.5 year old- while I love them to the moon, taking care of yourself during pivotal moments of change in your own life has made me question so much and has made being a mom SO. MUCH. HARDER. I feel myself changing, realizing how to let go of people who seem to stall me. While there is a place of comfort in all relationships and situations of life, I don’t want to be there. Not with people, not in situations. I feel the most alive when I am outside my comfort zone, that flexible bubble that I know is safe and non-threatening. It is so easy to stay there.
The thing about finding your own bravery and self determination inside of who you are as a mumbled-up, jumbled-up mess is a journey. I think it takes a lot of life’s hard experiences to build callus strong enough to mend a broken heart. No doubt it builds character. And it takes walking away from those, not so great experiences that even though can be wearing on you, somehow you made comfortable within time. Leaving what has become comfortable is hard because it is a place full of excuses. And somehow, dodging what we know we need to get out of or move on from is easy to excuse (WHY?!)
Making excuses for yourself is a picnic- especially if you don’t have the right people on your team challenging you to get out of it. Helping you burst through your own bubble even if it includes force.
We all need those people on our team who know we are unhappy, but who desire to see us in a healthy, happy place and who question us and push us to get there. I feel like I have been very honest, open and vulnerable where I am at right now. And it has taken almost a year for me to get there. While the title “single mom” used to make me feel shame in some way, I am getting used to it as a new identity. Daily I am finding more strength in myself as I am am. As a mom who is unmarried, with two kid, who is picking up the pieces on the daily.
If a friend’s husband can see that you seem happier than you were months prior, I think that it must be at least a little bit true. Don’t you?
Leaving my comfort zone wasn’t easy. But I knew it was necessary. While the trillion piece puzzle of my life seems to only have 1/1000,000,000 finished, I guess the important part is that the cornerstones, the stones which “form the base of corners” are becoming stronger within myself… and I’m on the right path forward. Hard as it is.