Buried under a stack of tissues, I am nursing a cold which seems to come each seasonal shift. Yesterday we had a “family” outing to Julian, our favorite autumn time spot in the mountains. It was chilly, the leaves flicked gold and green- colors of a perfectly crisp caramel apple. The girls always act up when we all get out together, I am blaming their ages. Izzy (almost two!) seems to be wanting mama all the time, which makes the four year old instantly fight for more attention. I am not sure how people with bigger families do it! So when temperatures sink and attitudes rise, we welcomed the hardship that is parenting with a wine tasting followed by a slice of Mom’s caramel apple pie. It helped some.
I have been sitting with some big life changes recently because I cannot stand being stagnant. I don’t want to remain ‘stuck’ with things: relationships, habits, ways of thinking for too long. Last month the rhyme that I made up in order to fuel my own thinking pattern in a much different way was: “it was over in October.” It helped me release a lot of things I didn’t even know were legit issues to begin with. But then when something clicked, and I realized that the only way I can move on from the hurt or the habit or the pride in my life is to honestly let it go and bury it. Tell these things that they are done and believe that you have to change and grow and move on. For me personally, and probably like some I have suffered with low self-esteem and low self-worth.Which makes it easy for me to find it in the people who give me attention or show me love. Obviously a huge red flag because 1.) you can’t find it in people and 2.) people will always let you down. These things I know, but I guess it is always easier to procrastinate what you know you need to do. It’s easier to become numb in your own pain because of the way this person has become a bandage of sorts.
But I have had enough. I am sick of letting my own insecurities and ways of thinking get in the way of finding my true self.
To be continued…
Happy November, what did you leave in October?