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Loneliness…

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There are many hard, no so comfortable parts that come along with leaving a relationship, as many know, it’s the little things. 

I don’t know if it is because the holidays are quickly approaching or if I’m watching too many romantic movies- but being single can feel awfully lonely at times. Loneliness even for an introvert who needs time to herself  can feel almost isolating. And for a deeply relational person it seems strange.  Having kids does indeed make it better since most of our days revolve around them, them, them. Even with constant company there are times I still feel completely comfortless.

While I know I don’t want to settle for the wrong person, filling the void with him (as a companion) can become settling in and of itself. Suddenly feelings evolve or attachment begins to tip toe in and you find yourself feeling sad and a bit heartbroken when it ends. I feel like it’s pure stupidity because in these “companionship’s” we know that there is zero  future potential and  without a doubt you know it’s the wrong person. Once I crossed that line I knew I had to start changing lanes. Because you’re not supposed to get clingy with someone who doesn’t love you, you can’t surprise him with breakfast in bed, or tell yourself that he will text you or tell you what you want so badly to hear.(Setting yourself up for torture, if you ask me). Eventually feelings change and time moves on and you’re left feeling empty all over again because he’s gone. I think there’s name for these type of boys- starts with an “F”…

Deep down, no one really wants to feel lonely so they add some cushion wherever they can.We jump head first into false romance to take our mind off of the real pain that shouldn’t just be eased with a buffer. We develop unhealthy habits and begin to treat ourselves the wrong way (or allow others to treat us wrongly). In this season of loneliness, I am working through a lot. Wondering why I think I need someone (THE WRONG SOMEONE) to love me in order to fully love myself. Why I feel like I need the romance, the tenderness, why do I need to feel wanted or needed?

Of course it’s not a bad thing to want to love and be loved by someone; But if I am wanting it just to feel okay or happy or fulfilled I am always going to receive the wrong love.

I’ll be honest, navigating myself through this season of loneliness isn’t easy. Nothing in this past year has been. But I guess that in order to grow into our “best” selves, we must sift through all our crap and that means laying it all out. We have to get rid of the broken, sharp and jagged pieces of ourselves. The one’s that tell us we are unworthy in order to realize we are worth being loved the right way, or not at all.

 

 

 

 

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