Where to begin?
Blogging used to be such a great release for me in so many ways, I miss it so much. Lately I’ve had the hardest time keeping up with…well, pretty much everything! And the things that I want to keep up with most usually are on the back burner because I either can’t find the time, or the time is wasted away in another but much needed form (like sleeping!)
This holiday season has been difficult, as I knew it would. It got me good when I decided to decorate the home that really isn’t ours. Pulling all of my decorations out of the box that has been accumulating decor since Lila was born. Knowing that I had to participate in the season for my kids’ sake, but at the same time feeling a lot of numbness as I string lights and hang ornaments. Christmas always makes me feel nostalgic, and I feel it’s the hardest emotion to embody when you can’t really articulate your feelings, or when there is nowhere to place these feelings tangibly, even inside yourself. While I am growing accustomed to being alone, certain things trigger memories around this time of the year. It isn’t easy. But it’s rare to find things in life that are.
So we put up the tree, we sing and dance to Christmas song. I hide the naughty elf on the shelf, and when the kids go to bed I sneak in a movie and a glass of wine if my eyes stay open long enough. I try my hardest to keep the thoughts rolling in forward motion. In the direction of positivity and peacefulness within myself. Sometimes my heart feels heavy, and when it does I remember how much harder things used to be. And while they may feel jumbled up and messy, all I can do is try my best to let go of those heavy thoughts and keep my mind in a state of release. Feel it, then let it go. Life is a continuous flow.