She points to the picture on my desktop and exclaims “that’s me!”
I am not sure how I now have two talking, walking humans capable of so many emotions under my wing. Or how I am going to survive the next five years when the first have been such a challenge already. My four-and-a-half year old said “duh mom” to me the other day and I about fainted. Did she hear that from me? Was it something she picked up from “Lego Friends,” was it something she heard someone say at school?!
Life is fluid change; there is always something to learn and grow from. And apparently your kids don’t stay little forever.
Things in my world have been fluidly changing as well, emotionally so-to-speak. Some in which things seem harder to talk about than others; (ahem-politics!!) Sometimes there is much to say, but in order to keep the peaceful appeased, you don’t. Does that make sense? Speaking of shifting time, almost six months into my twentieth year, I am beginning to feel so much bending inside of me, it’s like a back-bend of the brain. Flexible, thin, weightless movement.
If I were to seek out my horoscope, I have a feeling that it would be dead on. Perhaps it would tell me that I am facing a time in life where my balance may be a little off kilter, and my perceptions confused. While I may be waiting for something “big” to happen, I am still stuck in the in-between. And sometimes the in-between (aka the uncomfortable, confusing and oftentimes challenging) parts of life teach us the greatest lessons. But in order to move from them, the lessons must be learned and digested so-to-speak. I am getting antsy in this season of life for sure. Not knowing what the future holds and all the questions and anxieties that arise with it: will I find a place of my own that I can afford in this EXPENSIVE city? Will my co-parenting relationship with the girls’ dad always be THIS HARD? Will I figure out a career and will it work with being a mom? Am I spending enough one on one with my girls, or am I too distracted with the invisible weight that is this, and so much more?
BIG. HEAVY. SIGH.
The only thing that I know for certain is this moment- and while I try to not think too much ahead because I psych myself out in the worst way possible, finding my grounding in the here and now is all I can do.
One foot in front of the other.
One day at a time.